There was an old movie from the 1960s by that title. It
starred Walter Matthau and Robert Morse and it was a story of two neighbors, one of
whom (Matthau) was a conscientious family man, happily married, and the other
(Morse) who played fast and loose with his marriage vows and had developed a
seemingly fail-proof system for, well, cheating. The plot centered around Morse
trying to show Matthau the ropes when it came to stepping out. It was a comedy
- sort of a whimsical, light hearted look at the world of adultery.
That's not what this post is about. Great title. Not such a
great movie plot.
Mona and I have been married 43 years and I've been asked
many times how we do it. Forty years? With the same person? Still happy? How do you do it? Many of us have been
to church-sponsored marriage conferences and don't get me wrong, there's some
good stuff there. But most of the marriage conferences we've attended dealt
with concepts and generalities. They were good, but "...how do you do it?" What are the nuts and bolts of a
marriage, the daily stuff couples do that keep a marriage strong?
That's what this post is about. It's obviously written from
the husband's point of view because I think husbands need the most guidance in
this area and because, yeah, I'm a husband and it's my blog. This isn't meant
to be an exhaustive list but it's a list of things I've learned over the past
43 years and the items here have helped keep our marriage strong.
This is my list -- your mileage may vary.
This is my list -- your mileage may vary.
Here we go:
1) Never Make Fun of Her in Public
I cringe whenever I'm with couples who belittle each other
in the company of others. It's a sure sign the relationship is in trouble and
I've never been wrong. Couples who love each other don't put each other down.
It's that simple. You don't make fun of her cooking or her hair or her fear of spiders.
Don't do it. Ever. It's degrading and destructive and it's humiliating. (And gals,
you never make fun of his job or his clothing choices or his gastrointestinal
issues.) In fact, if you want to be a hero, the next time you're going to be in
public with her, go prepared with at least one complimentary thing about her
you can share with others. Does she run a business? Is she going back to
school? Did she come up with a great new way to keep your rambunctious toddler
in line? Whatever. Compliment her in front of others. Always.
Making fun of her in public is never funny or cute or
"just teasing." It's a power play. It's an act of aggression. And
it's death to a relationship.
Speaking of never making fun...
2) Never Make Fun of Her Family
She can make fun of her family. You can't. It's that simple.
You can agree with her. You can sympathize with her and listen to her vent. But
you're not allowed to make fun of her family. Gals, the same goes for his
family. (I'm fortunate in this regard because Mona's family has always treated
me well. They're terrific.)
Making fun of each other usually (probably eventually) leads
to arguments and frankly...
3) It's Pointless to Argue
Guys, do you really want to argue with your teammate? Most
of us have played team sports at some time in our lives; how many games would
we have won if we were always arguing with our teammate? Mona and I have had
our share of disagreements and early in our marriage we even had a few fights.
But when I look back at those fights I honestly can't remember what they were
about -- and what does that say?
Guys, she's your teammate, not your competition.
And this next one, wow. This may be the most common source
of arguments in a marriage, and really...
4) It's Especially Pointless to Argue About Money
When most couples stand at the altar and say their wedding vows
they truly believe it's until death parts them. For many couples that's 50-60-70
years. If you told newlyweds that they'd be together 60 years -- but 15 of
those years would see them in financial hardship, most would think that to be a
pretty good deal. 45 years doing well? Only 25% of the marriage years find them
tight financially? Sign me up. The problem is, for most married couples it's the first 15 years together that are the
tough ones. If you've been together 15 years and they've all been tight
financially that's 100% of your married life. It's easy to get distracted.
The thing to remember is, financial troubles are temporary
and they're pointless to argue about. "Temporary" may be longer than
you'd like, but they're still temporary.
There will, however, be times you argue. It's almost
inevitable. But guys, when you do argue with your wife there's something you
can do to diffuse things...
5) Be the First to Say You're Sorry
I know. I don't know what she did or said to you that you
think caused the argument in the first place. I get that. But I don't think God
has some giant scoreboard where He's keeping track of all the times you were
right and all the times she was right, just so He can someday give a special
prize to the one with the most points. But I do think it's possible that one
day He'll ask us to account for what we did to keep peace in our marriage. As
long as the disagreement is over a situation and the comments don't get
personal, does it really matter how the argument started? Does it really matter
who's right? Do you want to be right or do you want to keep the peace?
(And ladies, when he DOES say he's sorry, the appropriate
response is, "I'm sorry too." If you counter his apology with
"It's about time you came to your senses. I can't believe you ______. You
are so _______ and the next time, if you ______." If you respond to him
that way, the argument really was your fault.)
Here's a tip, guys. There are ways to avoid many arguments
before they start...
6) The Little Things are Big Things
You should know when your anniversary is. You should know
her birthday. You should know the birthdays of your kids. Don't say you can't
remember. You know when the Super Bowl is, you know when deer season is. You
should know these dates as well.
Do you know her dress size? Her shoe size? Her ring size? Do
you know her favorite color? Her favorite flower? Her favorite food? Her
favorite dessert? Her favorite restaurant? Her favorite movie? These aren't
hard to remember, guys. You should know them. If you don't know them, find out.
Hold hands with her in public. Smile at her when you're
sitting across from her in a restaurant. One of my all-time favorite things to
do was to sit across from Mona in a restaurant, just to look at her and her
smile and realize how much I loved her. It didn't matter if the meal was going
to cost us $200 or if we were at Burger King, I absolutely loved sitting across
from her at a restaurant. Of all the things I miss about being with her I think
I miss that the most.
Hold her hand. Cherish the time you have together.
(By the way, gals, do you know his favorite food? His
favorite movie? Favorite sports team? Favorite player? Favorite car? If you
want him to know your "favorites" it's only fair that you should know
his.)
See? These little things are part of the big picture and
that means...
7) Look For Ways to Be Nice to Her and Make Her Life Easier
One of the things that drives me nuts is to see a young
couple, frequently outside church, where the guy is walking 15 feet ahead of
her and is empty handed. Meanwhile she's got the diaper bag over one shoulder,
a baby in one arm and her purse in the other, a toddler holding on to her skirt,
and she's trying to keep their 5 year-old from running out in front of cars in
the parking lot.
Dude, gimme your Man Card. Right now. Hand it over. Oh
that's right. You haven't earned it yet.
Seriously, change the messy diaper. You can gut a fish. You
can field dress a deer. You can change a messy diaper. You'll be all right.
Oh, and the vacuum cleaner has an on-off switch. It's
usually located near the bottom of the unit, frequently red in color. You're
welcome.
She'll love you for all these. And speaking of love...
8) Tell Her Daily How Much You Love Her
I always set a goal of saying "I love you" to each
of my kids at least three times every day. I never wanted them to doubt my love.
For Mona it was at least double that. Hanging up the phone with her, leaving
for work in the morning, fixing dinner together, watching her put on her makeup
before a night out, in bed at night before turning out the lights. All are
great times to tell her you love her.
Those tough times that come to every marriage are easier
when your love for each other is strong. And when the tough times do arrive on
the scene, remember...
9) Ice Cream Makes Everything Better
This is one my dad told me many years ago. There's something
about the two of you getting out of the house, alone, that helps put things in
perspective. Maybe your basement flooded or your roof leaked or the anticipated
promotion didn't come through. Get away. Just the two of you. Leave the house
and go get ice cream at a place where you can sit down across from each other. And
-- this is critically important -- splurge. Get the banana split. Get the large
hot fudge sundae with extra hot fudge. And ladies, none of this
I'll-just-have-a-small-dish-of-lemon-ice nonsense. That won't cut it.
Get away from it all for a few moments. Look across the
table at each other. Eat ice cream. It works.
Ice cream makes things fun. And after all...
10) Marriage is Supposed to Be Fun
One of the things Mona and I frequently discussed and always
tried to show our kids was how fun it was to spend life with someone you loved.
No marriage is perfect and every marriage has its issues but we're not powerless
in how it plays out. Marriage is an investment and you truly will reap what you
sew. We never tried to hide our affection for each other from our kids and I
imagine they all have stories of walking in on us in various stages of (usually
socially acceptable) affection. That's the way it should be.
Most of what I've written here is for husbands from a
husband's point of view. Like I said at the beginning, your mileage may vary. But
I want to close with a paraphrase of something I read from the late Zig Ziglar,
a motivational speaker and best-selling author. He said, "You can have everything in life you want, if
you just help enough other people get what they want."
That's how it is for husbands. We can have everything we
want in our marriages if we just make sure our wives get everything they want.
