Power in Gratitude

I was driving home last month after attending one of the Wyoming Dementia Care support groups I attend and I wasn't feeling well. It wasn't anything physical; I just didn't like what I'd done that day when it was "my turn" to participate. There's never any pressure at these groups. Those of us who attend, who care for loved ones with various types of dementia, can discuss whatever we like and the others in the group are always supportive. (Those who want to attend and just observe are also welcomed openly.) But this time was different. This time I took all my frustration, fatigue, anger and sorrow and -- as if they were in a big plastic garbage sack -- dumped them all out on the table in front of everyone.

And that's okay. That's what these support groups are for. We caregivers speak a language few others can understand and these times together allow us to vent and let it all out without being judged. But that's not what was bothering me as I drove home that day. I decided that for me personally it was a time to begin a change in the way I think about caring for my wife Mona, who was diagnosed eleven years ago with early onset Alzheimer's and is now in the final stages of the illness. (She's been a resident of Life Care Center in Casper for the past three years.)

I decided it was time for me to begin counting the things I was grateful for. I'm grateful we have a wonderful marriage. I'm grateful that she's safe and she's receiving excellent care from the Life Care Center staff, who love her dearly. I'm grateful she's only a few miles from where I live and that I can see her whenever I want. I'm grateful she's not in any pain and she's never fearful. By the time I'd driven home that day there were at least a dozen things I was grateful for and I look to add to that list every day.

Funny thing, I've found there's power in gratitude. It's easy to feel powerless while caring for someone with dementia. There have been months -- years, even -- when I felt my life was in free fall, that I had no control over any part of it. Gratitude allows me to define how I look at her illness and how it affects my everyday life. Gratitude highlights and gives strength to all our good memories together and it allows me to look at my future with hope. Gratitude gives me a measure of control, of power. And that's a good thing.

It wasn't always this way for me. If you're caring for someone with dementia and your life is still in that free fall stage, that's okay. During the last several years I've learned that this is never easy -- but it does get better.

No matter where you are on your caregiver journey I hope you'll visit us at one of our Wyoming Dementia Care support groups. You'll meet some amazing people and you'll discover there are ways to regain a measure of power. For me, that began with gratitude.

(This article was written for the Summer, 2018 Wyoming Dementia Care newsletter. For information contact wyodementia@casperseniorcenter.com)