A Guide For The Married Man

There was an old movie from the 1960s by that title. It starred Walter Matthau and Robert Morse and it was a story of two neighbors, one of whom (Matthau) was a conscientious family man, happily married, and the other (Morse) who played fast and loose with his marriage vows and had developed a seemingly fail-proof system for, well, cheating. The plot centered around Morse trying to show Matthau the ropes when it came to stepping out. It was a comedy - sort of a whimsical, light hearted look at the world of adultery.

That's not what this post is about. Great title. Not such a great movie plot.

Mona and I have been married 43 years and I've been asked many times how we do it. Forty years? With the same person? Still happy? How do you do it? Many of us have been to church-sponsored marriage conferences and don't get me wrong, there's some good stuff there. But most of the marriage conferences we've attended dealt with concepts and generalities. They were good, but "...how do you do it?" What are the nuts and bolts of a marriage, the daily stuff couples do that keep a marriage strong?

That's what this post is about. It's obviously written from the husband's point of view because I think husbands need the most guidance in this area and because, yeah, I'm a husband and it's my blog. This isn't meant to be an exhaustive list but it's a list of things I've learned over the past 43 years and the items here have helped keep our marriage strong. 

This is my list -- your mileage may vary.

Here we go:

1) Never Make Fun of Her in Public

I cringe whenever I'm with couples who belittle each other in the company of others. It's a sure sign the relationship is in trouble and I've never been wrong. Couples who love each other don't put each other down. It's that simple. You don't make fun of her cooking or her hair or her fear of spiders. Don't do it. Ever. It's degrading and destructive and it's humiliating. (And gals, you never make fun of his job or his clothing choices or his gastrointestinal issues.) In fact, if you want to be a hero, the next time you're going to be in public with her, go prepared with at least one complimentary thing about her you can share with others. Does she run a business? Is she going back to school? Did she come up with a great new way to keep your rambunctious toddler in line? Whatever. Compliment her in front of others. Always.

Making fun of her in public is never funny or cute or "just teasing." It's a power play. It's an act of aggression. And it's death to a relationship.

Speaking of never making fun...

2) Never Make Fun of Her Family

She can make fun of her family. You can't. It's that simple. You can agree with her. You can sympathize with her and listen to her vent. But you're not allowed to make fun of her family. Gals, the same goes for his family. (I'm fortunate in this regard because Mona's family has always treated me well. They're terrific.)

Making fun of each other usually (probably eventually) leads to arguments and frankly...

3) It's Pointless to Argue

Guys, do you really want to argue with your teammate? Most of us have played team sports at some time in our lives; how many games would we have won if we were always arguing with our teammate? Mona and I have had our share of disagreements and early in our marriage we even had a few fights. But when I look back at those fights I honestly can't remember what they were about -- and what does that say?

Guys, she's your teammate, not your competition.

And this next one, wow. This may be the most common source of arguments in a marriage, and really...

4) It's Especially Pointless to Argue About Money

When most couples stand at the altar and say their wedding vows they truly believe it's until death parts them. For many couples that's 50-60-70 years. If you told newlyweds that they'd be together 60 years -- but 15 of those years would see them in financial hardship, most would think that to be a pretty good deal. 45 years doing well? Only 25% of the marriage years find them tight financially? Sign me up. The problem is, for most married couples it's the first 15 years together that are the tough ones. If you've been together 15 years and they've all been tight financially that's 100% of your married life. It's easy to get distracted.

The thing to remember is, financial troubles are temporary and they're pointless to argue about. "Temporary" may be longer than you'd like, but they're still temporary.

There will, however, be times you argue. It's almost inevitable. But guys, when you do argue with your wife there's something you can do to diffuse things...

5) Be the First to Say You're Sorry

I know. I don't know what she did or said to you that you think caused the argument in the first place. I get that. But I don't think God has some giant scoreboard where He's keeping track of all the times you were right and all the times she was right, just so He can someday give a special prize to the one with the most points. But I do think it's possible that one day He'll ask us to account for what we did to keep peace in our marriage. As long as the disagreement is over a situation and the comments don't get personal, does it really matter how the argument started? Does it really matter who's right? Do you want to be right or do you want to keep the peace?

(And ladies, when he DOES say he's sorry, the appropriate response is, "I'm sorry too." If you counter his apology with "It's about time you came to your senses. I can't believe you ______. You are so _______ and the next time, if you ______." If you respond to him that way, the argument really was your fault.)

Here's a tip, guys. There are ways to avoid many arguments before they start...

6) The Little Things are Big Things

You should know when your anniversary is. You should know her birthday. You should know the birthdays of your kids. Don't say you can't remember. You know when the Super Bowl is, you know when deer season is. You should know these dates as well.

Do you know her dress size? Her shoe size? Her ring size? Do you know her favorite color? Her favorite flower? Her favorite food? Her favorite dessert? Her favorite restaurant? Her favorite movie? These aren't hard to remember, guys. You should know them. If you don't know them, find out.

Hold hands with her in public. Smile at her when you're sitting across from her in a restaurant. One of my all-time favorite things to do was to sit across from Mona in a restaurant, just to look at her and her smile and realize how much I loved her. It didn't matter if the meal was going to cost us $200 or if we were at Burger King, I absolutely loved sitting across from her at a restaurant. Of all the things I miss about being with her I think I miss that the most.

Hold her hand. Cherish the time you have together.

(By the way, gals, do you know his favorite food? His favorite movie? Favorite sports team? Favorite player? Favorite car? If you want him to know your "favorites" it's only fair that you should know his.)

See? These little things are part of the big picture and that means...

7) Look For Ways to Be Nice to Her and Make Her Life Easier

One of the things that drives me nuts is to see a young couple, frequently outside church, where the guy is walking 15 feet ahead of her and is empty handed. Meanwhile she's got the diaper bag over one shoulder, a baby in one arm and her purse in the other, a toddler holding on to her skirt, and she's trying to keep their 5 year-old from running out in front of cars in the parking lot.

Dude, gimme your Man Card. Right now. Hand it over. Oh that's right. You haven't earned it yet.

Seriously, change the messy diaper. You can gut a fish. You can field dress a deer. You can change a messy diaper. You'll be all right.

Oh, and the vacuum cleaner has an on-off switch. It's usually located near the bottom of the unit, frequently red in color. You're welcome.

She'll love you for all these. And speaking of love...

8) Tell Her Daily How Much You Love Her

I always set a goal of saying "I love you" to each of my kids at least three times every day. I never wanted them to doubt my love. For Mona it was at least double that. Hanging up the phone with her, leaving for work in the morning, fixing dinner together, watching her put on her makeup before a night out, in bed at night before turning out the lights. All are great times to tell her you love her. 

Those tough times that come to every marriage are easier when your love for each other is strong. And when the tough times do arrive on the scene, remember...

9) Ice Cream Makes Everything Better

This is one my dad told me many years ago. There's something about the two of you getting out of the house, alone, that helps put things in perspective. Maybe your basement flooded or your roof leaked or the anticipated promotion didn't come through. Get away. Just the two of you. Leave the house and go get ice cream at a place where you can sit down across from each other. And -- this is critically important -- splurge. Get the banana split. Get the large hot fudge sundae with extra hot fudge. And ladies, none of this I'll-just-have-a-small-dish-of-lemon-ice nonsense. That won't cut it.

Get away from it all for a few moments. Look across the table at each other. Eat ice cream. It works.

Ice cream makes things fun. And after all...

10) Marriage is Supposed to Be Fun

One of the things Mona and I frequently discussed and always tried to show our kids was how fun it was to spend life with someone you loved. No marriage is perfect and every marriage has its issues but we're not powerless in how it plays out. Marriage is an investment and you truly will reap what you sew. We never tried to hide our affection for each other from our kids and I imagine they all have stories of walking in on us in various stages of (usually socially acceptable) affection. That's the way it should be.

Most of what I've written here is for husbands from a husband's point of view. Like I said at the beginning, your mileage may vary. But I want to close with a paraphrase of something I read from the late Zig Ziglar, a motivational speaker and best-selling author. He said, "You can have everything in life you want, if you just help enough other people get what they want."

That's how it is for husbands. We can have everything we want in our marriages if we just make sure our wives get everything they want.