Dreaming of Home

I had a dream about Mona last night. I dreamed the nursing home called me and said they'd done some more tests and were able to determine that Mona wasn't getting enough sleep. So, they'd been working with her the past few nights and she was sleeping so much better that in another two or three days she'd be completely healed and could come home. That's how the dream ended.

It's not the first time I've had a dream like that. Several months ago I dreamed I was sitting in a chair in our front room when Mona walked in, again, completely healed. I was so happy I ran over to her and fell to my knees in front of her. I put my arms around her waist and placed the side of my face against her stomach. I was sobbing and I kept saying, "Mona, you're home. You're well. I can't believe it. Mona, you're home, you're home."

In the dream my first thought was to tell my daughters; I had to call them all immediately. But I thought they'd never believe it was true so I decided I'd get my phone and Face Time with them. I'd hold up my phone and show them, prove to them their mom was healed. I got up from my knees and ran to the table to get my phone but when I turned around Mona had a peculiar look on her face. Then she got very dizzy and lost consciousness and collapsed into a chair. The dream ended and I woke up.

There is some truth to these dreams. The concept of home plays a major role in both. In the first dream she actually is at home. In last night's dream she'll be home in two or three days.

I take great comfort in that. In knowing she'll be home soon. I'm not sure when soon is but I know where her home is. She told me more than five years ago that she was tired of fighting this, that she wanted to go home. I told her we used to live in Missouri but now our home is in Wyoming. "That's not what I mean," she said. "I want to go home with Jesus."

One of my favorite hymns is "Great Is Thy Faithfulness"

Pardon for sin and a peace that endureth,
Thine own dear presence to cheer and to guide;
Strength for today and bright hope for tomorrow,
Blessings all mine with ten thousand beside

Great is Thy faithfulness! Great is Thy faithfulness!
Morning by morning new mercies I see;
All I have needed Thy hand hath provided;
Great is Thy faithfulness, Lord, unto me.

In my dreams, Mona may be home only briefly. Jesus is calling her to a home that's eternal.

Power in Gratitude

I was driving home last month after attending one of the Wyoming Dementia Care support groups I attend and I wasn't feeling well. It wasn't anything physical; I just didn't like what I'd done that day when it was "my turn" to participate. There's never any pressure at these groups. Those of us who attend, who care for loved ones with various types of dementia, can discuss whatever we like and the others in the group are always supportive. (Those who want to attend and just observe are also welcomed openly.) But this time was different. This time I took all my frustration, fatigue, anger and sorrow and -- as if they were in a big plastic garbage sack -- dumped them all out on the table in front of everyone.

And that's okay. That's what these support groups are for. We caregivers speak a language few others can understand and these times together allow us to vent and let it all out without being judged. But that's not what was bothering me as I drove home that day. I decided that for me personally it was a time to begin a change in the way I think about caring for my wife Mona, who was diagnosed eleven years ago with early onset Alzheimer's and is now in the final stages of the illness. (She's been a resident of Life Care Center in Casper for the past three years.)

I decided it was time for me to begin counting the things I was grateful for. I'm grateful we have a wonderful marriage. I'm grateful that she's safe and she's receiving excellent care from the Life Care Center staff, who love her dearly. I'm grateful she's only a few miles from where I live and that I can see her whenever I want. I'm grateful she's not in any pain and she's never fearful. By the time I'd driven home that day there were at least a dozen things I was grateful for and I look to add to that list every day.

Funny thing, I've found there's power in gratitude. It's easy to feel powerless while caring for someone with dementia. There have been months -- years, even -- when I felt my life was in free fall, that I had no control over any part of it. Gratitude allows me to define how I look at her illness and how it affects my everyday life. Gratitude highlights and gives strength to all our good memories together and it allows me to look at my future with hope. Gratitude gives me a measure of control, of power. And that's a good thing.

It wasn't always this way for me. If you're caring for someone with dementia and your life is still in that free fall stage, that's okay. During the last several years I've learned that this is never easy -- but it does get better.

No matter where you are on your caregiver journey I hope you'll visit us at one of our Wyoming Dementia Care support groups. You'll meet some amazing people and you'll discover there are ways to regain a measure of power. For me, that began with gratitude.

(This article was written for the Summer, 2018 Wyoming Dementia Care newsletter. For information contact wyodementia@casperseniorcenter.com)

Mother and Child Reunion

My daughter Ruth Pingel is heading home with her family tomorrow. She had one more visit with her mom today. I got this pic of the two of them while Mona was napping. ❤️ 
 

Our friend Dorothea Shipman said she looks at this photo and can imagine Mona watching over Ruth when she was a baby. Here it is.

(originally posted on Facebook on 7/24/18)

The Bowls Are Too Small

Did y’all realize today is National Vanilla Ice Cream Day? Reminds me of the time a few weeks before Mona went into Life Care Center when she went to get herself a dish of vanilla ice cream and then called to me from the kitchen to complain that all our bowls were too small. That didn’t sound right to me so I walked into the kitchen to investigate and found this...

I love that woman so much. 

#NationalVanillaIceCreamDay

(originally posted on Facebook on 7/23/18)

Finally, Unexpectedly Blossoming

Mona loved flowers and house plants. Our home in Missouri was filled with them. There were beautiful hanging vines in the kitchen and in each bathroom. She loved putting flower baskets on the back deck outside our dining room. She grew roses in our backyard. There must have been at least 50 small plants indoors at all times - in the front room, in the bedrooms, on small tables in the hallway. The only ones I could ever identify were her African Violets. Those were her favorites. 

When we moved to Wyoming six years ago she brought 15-20 small plants with her in our car. They filled the floor of the back seat. A dozen or so remained when she moved to the nursing home three years ago and while I’ve tried my best to take care of them only two are still alive. One is an African Violet she got in October of 2014. I’ve kept it watered and I remove the dead leaves but it’s never produced any flowers. 

Until this morning. 

About an hour ago I filled Mona’s small watering can and went to give it a drink when I saw the small bud among the leaves. I gasped and I stood there for a moment, overwhelmed. 

Emotionally messed up. 

Something Mona loved so much was finally, unexpectedly blossoming.

(originally posted on Facebook 7/21/18)

International Kissing Day

Happy International Kissing Day!

Then and now. 

(originally posted on Facebook 7/6/18)

"More..."

While I was with Mona during lunch today I thought at one point I could tell she was leaning forward in her chair toward me - and sometimes that means she wants a kiss - so I got up from my chair and bent over and kissed her. Then I pulled away but she leaned toward me and said, "More."

So I kissed her about a dozen times more and she returned every one of them. 
Then she took a quick nap before lunch arrived.

When I left her I did what I always do. I leaned over close to her ear, told her I was going and that I'd see her soon.

Then I told her I loved her and I kissed her. As I started to stand up she again said, "More." So I bent down and kissed her many times more - and she returned every one.

(originally posted on Facebook on 6/22/18) 

Dinner For Two

I just found this. From a Valentine’s Day dinner at church, probably 1990-ish. They invited the husbands to sing a love song to their wives - with the best one receiving a gift certificate dinner for two. 

Mona and I really enjoyed that gift certificate.

(originally posted on Facebook 5/30/18)